Oh the things I imagine in my sleep...

I was walking back from the boys dorms with a bunch of girls from my ward today and I mentioned that I had had a crazy dream about David John Hall. A few of th girls asked me to tell it to them. After I did, I came to the conclusion that this is one of those things that I should write in my blog.

In my dream, the 1100 and 1200 halls of Chipman Hall [which is where I reside] were for some reason, out of order. We had to move everyone who lived in these two halls to David John. [They also happened to have enough room in the dorm for a ton of extra girls.] This was an interesting experience.. to say the least. There were animals everywhere. Turtles living in the toilets. Geese sleeping in beds. Rodents running around the floors. On top of the the zoo in this place, everything was also pretty broken down. The bathrooms were barely functioning. The beds were all basically cut in half. The doors were all crooked and hanging off. There was even traces of blood stains all over the carpet. I asked Becca, my RA, what was wrong with the place. Apparently David John Hall used to be haunted. Many people fought for their lives and still died there [hence the blood]. Instead of getting rid of the hall though, the housing association filled it with animals. The animals kept it safe. The hauntings were gone as long as the animals were there.

That's all. Now every time I walk by this hall, I get a little creeped out and feel like I should warn them that it's haunted.

Count Your Blessings

So I was skyping with my momma today because I'm super stressed with school and a ton of other things that are affecting me right now. She told me to count my blessings. I decided to make a list of the blessings I have.

1. A family who loves me

2. A father in heaven who is alway watching out

3. Friends who will stand by me at any time

4. An affordable college to go to that upholds my standards

5. A voice to sing with

6. A voice teacher to help me keep singing

7. A computer to listen to music on

8. Amazing music to listen to

9. Crazy dreams to entertain me at night and blog about in the morning

10. Blonde hair (I really like my hair)

11. Functioning hands and feet

12. Places to go exercise

13. Food to eat and money to buy it with

14. A bed

15. Four pillows and two bears to sleep with

16. Clothes to wear (that are modest)

17. A country where I can cast a vote for my leaders

18. A car

19. A country where I'm allowed to drive

20. The opportunity of higher education

21. Great leaders of a great church

22. Colors

23. Shoes to wear (an abundance actually. I have a collection to pick from)

24. Good medicine and hospitals right around the corner

25. Extended family in the same state as me

26. A camera to capture my joy

27. People to lean on to capture my sadness

28. Hope in a world that lacks it

29. A sense of right and wrong

30. The six hour long Pride and Prejudice

31. Straight teeth (thanks to braces)

33. A toothbrush

34. Toothpaste

35. Running water

36. Heating and air conditioning

37. A working brain

38. A testimony of Christ, my Savior

39. A place to go when I'm upset

40. Friends in the mission field

41. Transportation

42. Pants

43. Plumbing

44. Floors and carpets

45. Mashed Potatoes and gravy

46. An umbrella

47. Safety

48. Contacts and glasses

49. Opportunities to overcome my shyness

50. Electricity

51. A printer to use

52. Tap shoes

53. Community theatre

54. Healthy organs

55. Books

56. The ability to read and write

57. Incredible teachers

58. Mentors and people to look up to

59. A whole cast of people who are there for me

60. The knowledge of what is after this life and why I am here

There are a ton more of course, but I want to get to sleep soon and I still have to finish reading for classes.

Facing Fears.

Sometimes I feel like the only thing stopping me from doing something that I want to do is my fears. For example, I want to meet new people and make new friends. After all, its not what you know, its who you know. So it is important for me to put myself out there to meet new people. However, I am afraid of people. I know this sounds weird, especially to those who know me. Some people think I'm really outgoing, but in reality I'm scared to death of talking to someone that I don't know. I'm always afraid of how people will perceive me. First impressions are everything, and if I mess that up, then I'm doomed to live and empty friendless life, right? I realize that seems a little irrational. But thats how I feel. I'm afraid to talk to new people. This is something I'm trying my hardest to overcome, but it's difficult to conquer fears.

The reason for this post, however, is not to talk about my fear of people, but rather my fear of needles. Wow you weren't expecting that one! I am healthy. There are a lot of dying people in the world who need blood. After all, blood is life. My mom and my sister and my cousin love donating blood. Every opportunity they get to donate, they do. They've always wanted me to do it with them. And my whole life I've told them that there is no way I will ever do that. Now I realize how selfish that is. What is stopping me from giving part of me to someone who needs it? Its the needles. I don't think anyone realizes how much it scares me. The idea of my pumping my own blood through a needle that is jabbed into my arm makes me feel so sick that I try not to think about it. More recently, I've been thinking more and more about donating. There are blood drives at my school all the time and I know that I should go sometime. But I'm scared. I told my sister today that I want to donate, and I plan to; I'm just afraid that I'll back out of it like I did the first time I went to donate. How do I overcome my fears so that I can help other people?

It's A Gift.

I've had a lot of thoughts over the past few days and so I figured I should write them down now.

I was walking up onto campus for class just yesterday and my mind was wandering and thinking about random things. Then it occurred to me how incredible our bodies are. I was thinking about the things that were stressing me out and my legs were still moving. I was still walking. I was still breathing. My heart was still beating. My eyes were still blinking. My mouth was still smiling at people that I recognized. When I had an itch on my head, I would scratch it. When my hand felt sore I would rotate my wrists. My hands were swinging by my side, and I picked them up and put them in my pocket. I didn't consciously think about any of things things I was doing. We don't have to think about every step we take or every time we blink or smile. We don't pay attention to the beating of our heart or our breath going in and out of our lungs. All of this is done subconsciously. How amazing it is that we have bodies and brains that are so complex that we can manage to think about a ton of things going on and not worry about making our body function? We should be grateful for this incredible gift that our Father in Heaven has blessed us with. Many people don't have a completely working body like I do, so why can't I just remember to be grateful for what I have?

Continuing on with the idea of the things we have, I am reminded of the musical that I was in. It was a senior directed play and we performed today, so now it is over. At our last rehearsal, our director was talking to the cast about the lyrics to one of the songs. "Someone is on your side; no one is alone." No matter what happens, someone always has our back. There is always someone for us to lean on when we are upset or to share our laughter with when we are happy. We take other people for granted, but we should all realize how many people we have to talk to when something is going on. Having people around us is a gift. It's a gift that we should all be grateful for!

Now back to our functioning bodies. I am typing right now. I'm not thinking of which keys my fingers are pressing, I'm thinking of the words I am saying. My fingers are doing the work on their own. How wonderful it is that I have functioning hands. Typing leads into my last thought. I want to write a book. I'm not sure how long it is going to be yet, but I know exactly what it's about. In fact, while it was on my mind, I wrote a summary about it. I would tell what it's about, but I don't want it to be judged until I'm finish. You should know though, that it is a tragedy. This doesn't mean I'm an angry person, I just think that lessons are better learned through disappointment.

Be grateful for the gifts you have, and don't take things for granted because when you do, sometimes it's harder to lose.

The Walls We Build

Walls are boundaries we set up in order to protect.

They give us shelter to protect our bodies.

They give us a haven to protect our families.

They give us privacy to protect our pride.

They push the world out to protect our innocence.

Similar to the walls we build to live in, are the walls we build around ourselves.

Without these walls we are open for the world to judge.

We set up these walls to protect our hearts.

We set up these walls to protect our feelings.

We set up these walls to protect our vulnerability.

We spend our whole lives building this wall.

Everything we do to shelter ourselves adds a layer of bricks around it.

It continues to get thicker and thicker.

But it's never enough.

Like any wall, there are always people trying to break them down and get in.

We try to break down other peoples walls too.

Sometimes, when we break down a persons wall, they embrace it and let us in.

They let us build a wall together.

Thats the best feeling in the world.

However, often we break someones wall down,

and they push us right back out.

Thats when we return to our place,

and gather our bricks,

and dust off our tools,

and prepare our glue,

and fortify our own wall.

I'm addicted.

So I have this new mix... and I'm addicted to it. Words can't even describe how much I love it. Every chance I get, I'm listening.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY PERFECTIONARY!!!

The point of this post is that I want everyone else to have a glimpse how perfect this music is.

LISTEN TO IT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnKGGab1nJs&feature=related

Swings, Ducks, and Cheerios

Last night as I was struggling to write an essay that I didn't want to write, I received some news about someone I care about. I won't say what the news was, but it devastated me. I could no longer focus on my paper because I was so upset by what I found out. My eyes welled up with tears and I cried. I felt helpless, like there was nothing I could possibly do to make things right. I needed a distraction. So I called my friend and told him what had happened. He picked me up in his truck and let me just sit and cry while he drove me around Provo. Once I was done, he said that he would gladly help distract me. First, he bought me a cheeseburger. Then we went to a park.

He showed me this really cool different kind of swing that he had discovered. I can't explain what it was like at all. He pushed me in the swing. Then twisted me up till my feet weren't touching the ground. I held on tight while I unwound and I tried my hardest to hold my feet in. When I realized that I wasn't stronger than the centrifugal force I let my legs fly out and I leaned back while I spun around and around. I could feel the cold air rush against my face. I could feel my tightly pulled back hair come loose. I could see the stars spin around opposite of me. I closed my eyes and felt free. Then I went over to the regular swings. I told him about how my friends and I used to swing as high as we could and then jump to see who could get the farthest. I also told him that we used to play a game where if you were swinging in unison with the person next to you, it meant you were married. My friends and I also used to swing as high as we could trying to get up and over the bar. It was never possible, but we used to get close, parallel to the ground and sometimes higher. Then I started to swing. I forgot about what was bothering me and I let myself swing. I let myself laugh and smile. I allowed myself to remember the feelings I used to have while I would swing. I let myself feel like a kid again with no cares in the world.

There's a duck pond right by where we were swinging. I ran over to stand on the rocks while I watched the ducks swim around. I listened to the sounds they made and watched them wiggle their tail feathers. It made me smile. How easy it would be to be a duck. I closed my eyes and imagined the life of a duck. It was a good life, but I really appreciate opposable thumbs. My friend found a bag of bread on a bench. We fed the ducks and watched them while they indulged in this feast. We both picked our favorite duck. He named his Squirtle and I named mine Callie. They were best friends, we decided.

Then my friend found a bag of cheerios. We fed the ducks cheerios too. It looked so cool to throw a handful of cheerios into the water. Cheerio rain. We started throwing the cheerios directly above us in the air so that we could be rained on. When we got near the end of the bag he dumped it on me. Cheerios everywhere. All over the ground around me. In the hood of my sweatshirt. And crumbs in my hair.

This all was a nice distraction to my unfortunate evening. How nice it is that such simple things as swings, ducks, and cheerios can make us feel like kids again and distract from the reality of our stressful life.

When I showered this morning, I washed the crumbs and naiveté out of my hair. Reality set in, but I was able to calm myself enough to write my essay.