I've decided to quit speaking. I'm the kind of person who needs to feel like I have some bit of control over things. As I watch things around me fall into chaos, I cling more and more to the things that I can control like eating and speaking and sleeping. Of those three things, giving up eating will kill me and giving up sleeping is simply not healthy. Everyone needs a good amount of sleep. Speaking, however, is something I can survive without. I decided to take control over something by remaining silent for 72 hours more or less. I began Monday morning at 2:00 am. I plan to quit on Wednesday evening. After I decided to do this, it became more than just a goal to be silent. I plan to observe how people respond to me, how my friends are affected, and how people live on a day to day basis. I plan to learn from this experience. Of course I can't be completely silent. I'm in a play and also stage manager of a play that I wrote. But other than in my rehearsals, where I have to speak, I will remain silent. And even in rehearsals I will strictly keep my speaking to a minimum; I will only discuss the matters at hand. And by matters at hand I mean the shows that I am involved in.
My momma asked me why and I wrote to her “to better understand the art of observance. To learn to appreciate the sound of silence. To exercise an extreme amount of self control. And because when I told my best friend my idea, she laughed in my face and said I couldn't.”
Monday. 3:00 pm
It has been 13 hours.
Time moves slowly.
This morning at tap class, when I didn't speak to anyone, people became curious. My best friend told them that I gave up speaking. Knowing that I wouldn't respond, they became more curious and began asking tons of questions. I smiled and walked out of the room.
I went to lunch with my friends. They held conversations with each other and ignored my existence until I left; one of them said bye to me. Thats all. All of lunch, because I was ignored, I stared out at the window at how beautiful the day was. You could almost see the heat from the sun. Beautiful beautiful day. I've realized today that it's nice to be noticed. If I've ever neglected you in any way, please accept my humble apology. Perhaps now I sort of understand how you feel? Not completely, but a little bit. I'm so sorry.
I think my friends disapprove of my silence. They also don't think I can do it. Perhaps they ignored me hoping that I would give in and finally speak. I wont. If I set a goal for myself, I commit. Period.
Why is it that the people who don't know whats going on get curious and those who “love you most” ignore? It makes me wonder. How often do I ignore people? It sucks to be neglected. It almost sucks enough to start talking again. In fact, if I wasn't so determined to prove my friend wrong, then I probably would stop. Congratulations to whoever discovered reverse psychology. It works.
Monday. 5:00 pm
It has been 15 hours.
I wrote a quick explanation on a note card that I'm keeping in my back pocket to show to people. It says “I'm not speaking because I want to see if I have enough self control to simply listen and observe. My goal is to last until Wednesday night. I will, however, allow myself to speak during rehearsals for my plays. Talking will be a minimum though.”
When I was walking to my theatre class I ran into my friend, Elliot. He waved and said hi. I just stopped and smiled. He asked where I was going. I pointed. He asked why I was only looking at him without saying anything. I gave him the card. He laughed and said “right on.” Maybe someone has faith in me. When I got to my theatre class my friend Dave who had seen my facebook status brought it up, so I sat next to him. Even though I was quiet all of class, I quite enjoyed myself. Walking back, I discovered that if you're simply going to smile and wave at someone who says hi to you, don't make eye contact too early. It makes the actual crossing of paths fairly awkward. I giggled inside when that happened.
This is liberating, yet extremely restricting. I love the fact that I have so much control over what I do or don't say (specifically what I don't say). But at the same time, part of me wants to stop. I like to talk. I enjoy socializing. And I realize how much I have to say, but I just can't say it.
I've heard that when you lose one of your senses, the others are heightened. Okay so speaking isn't a sense, however, the fact that I can't interact with people has made listening come so much easier. I've picked up on things that I've not noticed before. My feet squeak against these flip flops. I find it frustrating.
Monday 6:46 pm
I went to dinner. I quit. Not because anyone forced me to, but because I realized there was an issue and the only way to fix it is with words. The lesson is profound to me. Sometimes what is necessary is letting ourselves speak. I find now that I can speak though, that I have nothing to say. Oh, the change I have gone through.
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