Living off of borrowed light.

There is a road that my neighborhood back home is connected to. Pleasant Valley. It's a two way road with only one direction to travel.... forward. The only thing protecting you from oncoming traffic is the two yellow lines painted down the center and the obedience of the other drivers not to cross this line. I wouldn't consider it to be a particularly winding road, but there are some curves. On either side of Pleasant Valley are trees. They don't extend forever in each direction, but I like to pretend they do. Some of the trees curve over at the top creating a tunnel of shade for drivers. In the spring and summer the leaves are the purest, most perfect shade of green. The trees are full too. Leaves everywhere. It's absolutely gorgeous. When I was younger, my parents would drive through Pleasant Valley to get to our church building on Sundays. My momma always would remind us to look at how beautiful the trees are. In the fall, all of the leaves change. This is my favorite time to drive down this road. The leaves turn yellow and red and orange. Then they begin to fall. Sometimes while I drive, a gust of wind comes, blowing leaves off the trees and onto my windows. It's like a burst of colors especially for me. In the winter the leaves are all gone. The trees are bare and the road isn't quite as pleasant as usual. However, when it snows and there is winter wonderland all over the bare branches; I can't help but smile.

Driving this road in the daytime is actually an incredible experience, especially when no one else is there. It's one of my favorite places to drive.

Driving at night is a different story though. Once the sun goes down, the curves become sharper. The trees stick out further. The road becomes thinner. The drivers, if any, become less polite and obedient. One time, my sister and I were driving down Pleasant Valley. We were nearing the end of the tree line and approaching civilization again. Suddenly we saw a driver coming at us. He was swerving in and out of our lane. With trees on either side, my sister could only go straight. She sped up and just as the driver got close enough to hit us, she swerved to the right. We had reached the end of the trees and she had swerved into turn lane. Both of our hearts were beating too fast to describe. We could've died. I hate driving this road at night. It scares me, especially, and I hate to admit this, because I'm not a particularly good driver. Every time I drive this road at night, I have the same thoughts.

I live off of borrowed light.

Now I realize that statement doesn't seem relevant to beginning of this post, but I promise it is.

In the daytime, I use the sun. I turn off my headlights and I drive using the light of the sun. At night, the road is busy enough that there is usually one driver ahead of me. I turn on my lights, but I really see everything around me using the high beams of the driver in front. I never see for myself. I follow. I follow other cars. I use their light. Here is the time in my thought process where I begin to ponder my own self sufficiency. I wonder, if that car were to turn off in a different direction than I am headed, am I good enough at driving to carry myself home? Understand, that this is all a metaphor. You should know that I'm a decent enough driver to get myself home on a road that I drive on all the time, often being the only car. But how am I in life? Do I ever really lead? Do I ever make decisions for myself? Am I capable of taking care of me rather than relying on other people to do it? I've noticed in my experience of driving down Pleasant Valley at night that there aren't alway cars in front of me. Sometimes I'm forced to do things for myself and shine my own light. I'm getting to a point in my life where all of these questions come back. I'm in college. I have to make decisions on my own. I have to choose to feed myself. I have to choose to get enough sleep. I have to choose to go to church on Sundays. I have to choose to do well in school. I have to choose to save my money. I have to choose what to do with my life and how to do it. My parents aren't driving in the car ahead of me any longer. I'm driving in the dark. This is something we all get thrown into. "It's time to take care of yourself now." they say. Then we keep on driving down the narrow pleasant valley. We hope the whole time that we won't take the curve to fast and run off the road. That someone won't drive into us head on. That we will remember where the trees stick out furthest, and be able to avoid hitting them. The good thing about driving on Pleasant Valley is that the sun comes up every morning. The light is always there waiting for us the next day. Just like when we are struggling with something when we're on our own, we always have someone to call on while our light fades. We always have light to borrow when our wisdom lacks the ability to sustain us. Eventually, however, we need to learn to give up borrowing the light of others and drive with our own two headlights. Thats what our parents did before us and our grandparents did before them. There is no art to taking care of yourself, it's just something we all must learn to do.

Eventually when we ask ourselves "Do I live off of borrowed light?" the answer should be no. I am self sufficient. I am strong. I can do this.

It's up to me to decide when to allow myself to trust my own headlights and follow my own instincts.

It's up to me to quit using solely the light of others and learn to rely on myself.

It's up to me to remember the examples of those I used to follow and be a good example to those who need to borrow my light.

It's up to me to move forward, the only direction there is to go, and allow my light to be a beacon the the drivers behind me.

This is the beginning of Pleasant Valley, where the green starts.

Its a two way road with only one direction to travel...

Forward.